Tame Shikyo
by caseyedith
Summary: Those who live by the sword, die by the sword. Kenshin's thoughts on his fate, after the Kurogasa incident. What will his past mean for his future?


**[Tame Shikyo: Until Death]**

_"A hitokiri is a hitokiri until death. You know this as well as I, Battosai. Pretend to be the gentle rurouni, until you realize your true nature._

_And I will watch you from the pits of hell."_

* * *

_Until death… So are you no longer a manslayer, Jin-eh?_

Kenshin was surprised by how much he envied his fallen enemy, the Kurogasa. If what he said with his dying breath was true…and suddenly Kenshin had every reason to believe that it was…then, Udo Jin-eh was now free.

And he, Himura Kenshin, was still shackled by the Battosai. One of his true natures…

Kamiya Kaoru turned her eyes away from the horrible sight of Jin-eh's body, to the comforting sight of Kenshin's face.

But she did not see comfort there. She saw mute pain, doubt, and a darkness that made her skin prickle uneasily with the remembrance of the Battosai. Kenshin's past life. Why did he still look this way? Surely, he did not believe Jin-eh's terrible words, about not being able to escape his hitokiri nature?

"Kenshin?"

Kaoru's voice called Kenshin back to the present. _She should not remain here any longer…_ Neither should he for that matter. It was doing him no good to stare at Jin-eh's wounded form, and envy him, and revisit his hitokiri days…

"Let's go home, Kaoru-dono," he abruptly said. "It's the government's problem now. Let the police handle it." Kaoru cringed slightly, at the sound of his lifeless voice. He did; he did believe Jin-eh. _Oh, Kenshin, no, no, you are not a manslayer and never will be again… You believe in my father's teachings… You could never…_

Kenshin turned away from Kurogasa and started to walk. His footsteps were completely silent, and his senses were more heightened than they usually were. He was uneasy, paranoid that more trouble would find them. He had not been this alert in a long while, and that was because…

The Battosai he once was had resurfaced. And so quickly… Until now, he had not realized how near the surface it lurked.

If more trouble found them tonight, he might not be able to respond to Kaoru.

Ten years of being a rurouni, and still…

_Until death_.

With a worried countenance, Kaoru hurried after him. She walked behind him, wondering what she could do. Could she speak to him now? Would she dare? There were so many things about his past that he had never shared with her. And she wasn't sure he ever would… Would she dare try to tell him who he really was, when there was so much she didn't know?

But, she could tell him what she _did_ know, because she knew it with certainty.

"Kenshin-?" she began, a bit nervously nevertheless. He made no indication that he was listening, but she hoped that he was. "I—I disagree with Jin-eh. He's wrong. You should not believe him. You are not a manslayer anymore, you—" She gasped as Kenshin turned around, impossibly fast, and grabbed her arm. He released her just as suddenly, but the look on his face was enough to keep her silent, and she tried to compose herself, for his sake. Unfortunately, she was much disturbed, and her attempts to appear calm and brave resulted in an upward tilt of her chin and consequential shielding of her eyes behind her lashes.

Kenshin gradually raised his eyes to Kaoru's face—and he almost lost himself to what he saw there.

She was shocked, indeed, by his reaction to her words. Her faith in him. But it was not her expression, rather her uncanny resemblance to someone he once knew, that shook him. Her blue eyes were shadowed, and dark, in the dim light. It made her skin look especially pale, and the angle of her gaze, her eyelids uncharacteristically lowered, were so reminiscent of a woman he had loved once…a woman he could never, ever forget.

Kaoru was terrified by the painful, brooding expression of Kenshin's lowered gaze when he turned to face her. But the look in his eyes when they met hers was worse. Far worse.

His shock, his pain, his…fear… She hoped he would never look at her like that again. What was he seeing? She couldn't possibly fathom.

Kenshin's mind clicked away fiercely, as the vision of Tomoe in front of him faded back into Kaoru. She had unconsciously lowered her chin, and leveled her eyes. Though he could not see their color, he could see her innocent, beautiful expression. It was still tainted by fear, but he knew he could erase it. He jumped at the chance to do right by Kaoru, for the first time this whole night.

"Kaoru," he said, his voice as reassuring at it had always been. Kaoru sighed as he spoke. "Let's not talk about this. Please, this one is so sorry, for everything he has put you through. Do not trouble yourself with what Jin-eh said. I am no longer a manslayer, and never will be again."

"I am not troubled because of Jin-eh," Kaoru replied, "I am troubled because of you, Kenshin." He felt his jaw tighten at her words, at her genuine compassion. Another had cared for him like she…and had paid the ultimate price.

"Enough. Do not worry for me either. Let's just get home, Kaoru-dono. It is late." He turned around quickly again, and it was clear that he would not slow his pace until they were closer to home. Kenshin berated himself for making things worse…he feared that he had not comforted Kaoru at all.

And indeed, she was still upset. He would not listen. The baka! Of course he was not a manslayer, did he think he had to reassure _her?_ After he had come to rescue her? She had disobeyed him, had put herself in danger's way, and yet he had not so much as reminded her of this.

He was so distracted by Jin-eh's hateful words that he probably didn't even remember…

* * *

Thankfully, Kaoru did not try to speak to him about what he was thinking again. He had reacted so violently, because her words were so familiar… And then her face, her features, were so painful to see. He had been thinking about Jin-eh, and his past, and Tomoe, when she had spoken. She could not know of any of it. Kaoru must remain innocent of everything to do with him before he was rurouni.

He feared that she would ask, and he would have to hide from her. He did not wish to do so. He merely wished that it would never come up. So far, Kaoru had never spoken a word about his past before he met her. She had remained far more trusting than a woman should be towards an unknown man who kept secrets from her. But, she understood. That was something Kenshin could never quite comprehend, and yet was thankful for every day he spent with her.

Now that she seemed quiet again, his mind went back to his memories, where it was inevitably drawn. His remorse over his transgressions against Kaoru, transgressions that she would never punish him for, transformed into the transgressions that he was living every day to atone. They transformed into a face.

Tomoe's face. The mysterious, dark eyes that knew pain and hate, her beautiful skin and hair, that one small smile that had afforded him her love, and a place in his mind and heart forever.

Death had parted them. His hand had done it. What Jin-eh said seemed to be true. Although he had tried to reform, to be rurouni and make up for the unspeakable things he had done, especially to Tomoe, he was yet unable to escape the manslayer. If not for Kaoru, he would have killed Jin-eh, to save her. All it took was for someone he loved to be put in danger, and he was as ruthless as Jin-eh. Both manslayers. Both doomed.

Kenshin shuddered, wishing these thoughts would leave him. Wishing he could truly comfort the girl behind him. They had grown unexpectedly close in this short time. It shouldn't have been possible, since he had so many dark secrets in his past, and she was all light and innocence and trust. But those qualities—her qualities—were what allowed them to be friends.

But she could do nothing for him now. He knew that by keeping the truth from her, there would always be a part of him that she could not heal. She would try, he knew she would try, because Kaoru-dono was incredibly compassionate.

But there was so much he still could not tell her. He had to protect her from himself. If he let her in, he didn't know what would happen.

And if he let her in, it would make things that much harder to leave her when the time came.

With this battle, he had realized how much danger Kaoru was truly in, whenever she was near him. He had to rely on her to repress Battosai. His lack of control was deplorable. And this meant that he would have to leave.

The prospect was not favorable. He felt such peace at the Kamiya dojo. With Kaoru. He could already feel the beginnings of affection that ran deeper than friendship for her. The instant Jin-eh had grabbed her, and threatened her life, Kenshin knew that she meant more to him than she should. Tomoe had been precious to him as well, because she had loved him despite what he was. Despite what he had done to her fiancée. She had forgiven the unforgivable, just as Kaoru was doing. After everything she had just seen, she remained his friend, tried to assure him that he was not what he feared most. And he loved her for it.

But that was a bad sign. Tomoe had died because he loved her. He could never let that happen to Kaoru. He could never allow her into his heart, because she was not safe there.

Though he would suppress it for the rest of his days, he was a hitokiri. And hitokiri were destined for death. Kaoru could not die.

* * *

"…Kenshin."

He did not answer her. Kaoru doubted he even realized that his walk had slowed, or that they were almost home. She could somehow sense that he was thinking very deeply about something. But she tried his name again. She had something very important to say.

"Kenshin."

He stirred, as if waking from a dream. "Mm? What is it?" He turned to look at her, and she was relieved to see that his face showed no more traces of the Battosai. He was her Kenshin once again.

"Thanks for saving me," she said, with a somewhat remorseful look on her face. "Let me say _that_ at least."

Kenshin responded automatically, troubled by her persistence in giving him more credit than he deserved. "There is no need for thanks." A vision that had crossed his mind repeatedly, while he though about Kaoru's trust in him, reappeared. She had screamed, "NO!", awakening him from his intent over Jin-eh's life. She had broken Jin-eh's spell, and that strength made him glad. It was one of the things that would make separation easier, when that time came, because he knew she was strong enough to take care of herself, especially with him gone.

"In fact…thanks should go to you. Really, this one is so grateful."

He didn't notice how confused Kaoru suddenly looked, but the effect was surely comical. He was thanking her now? For putting her life in danger, with the result that he was suddenly so silent and miserable?

"If Kaoru-dono hadn't said, "No"… This one would still be the Battosai…the assassin."

"Huh? Oh… Um…sure…" Kaoru's confusion emitted random words as Kenshin's explanation unfolded. He considered her his savior, rather than the reason he had become Battosai again. How unexpected!

Kenshin finally saw Kaoru's confused expression, but then noticed something was different about her. Her hair. It was down, which must have made her seem so much less like Kaoru and more like Tomoe, back there, in the forest. And he remembered the gift she had given him, to be returned. The gift that was supposed to keep him close to her.

"Oh. Right. Your ribbon." He uttered those words dully, because this return symbolized something he would rather not think about at the moment. Now that Kaoru had awaken him from his nightmares, once again, he wanted nothing more than to pretend he was a normal swordsman again.

"It must be returned!" He tried to put more enthusiasm into his words, so that Kaoru would not notice anything amiss. He was relieved that she did not.

It was short lived however. When they both saw the ribbon's condition—stained with blood from his fight—they both paused.

"….."

"Oro."

"Blood! On my favorite ribbon!" All sadness disappeared and Kaoru was once again ready to beat Kenshin over the head with the closest thing to a bokken she could find. "W-Well, he did sort of slice my shoulder open…" Kenshin seemed to be hoping for some sympathy from her, but she wasn't giving in this time. Maybe he would learn to accept her concern when he should, rather than look for it when he shouldn't. And for his stupidity, his reverse blade sword would serve as her bokken.

In a sudden move, she drew his blade from its saya and waved it in the air. Kenshin's eyes widened and he turned tail and ran for his life. Kaoru was not to be trifled with when she was angry. But the fact that she could still be angry with him was a relief. Maybe…maybe…things could be normal again.

"You coulda MOVED it!" she yelled, chasing after him.

_Jin-eh…_

"I'll strangle you!"

"It couldn't be helped!" Kenshin pleaded with her.

_Are you watching from hell?_

_...Even if "hitokiri" is this one's true nature, forever, nature shall be suppressed._

_This one shall never revert to "Battosai" again._

Kenshin had decided. He had suddenly decided that he would not give in to the Battosai, no matter what. If ten years as a rurouni had not been able to suppress it entirely, then running away again and hurting Kaoru would not help either. And, when he remembered her ribbon, and her reason for giving it to him, he began to realize that the best place for him to suppress his nature, was with her.

"_Rurouni" it shall be, until this one's very death._


End file.
